Tod Slone, Retard? You be the Judge

Thanks to Charles for pointing this out to me.

For those who don't follow links, the short and long of it is that Tod Slone over at The American Dissident may have a congenital defect limiting his cognitive abilities. I don't say this to be mean, but the poor guy may actually be retarded. And before you go all PC Berserker on me, I am an educator, and I use the term retarded in the most clinical sense. However, I will call him a douche bag on a metaphoric level. Tod, if you happen to be reading this, I think it fair to let you know I just insulted you.

Tod (nobody knows if his parents only use one "D" to help him spell his name easier, as there is evidence he cannot spell 'Pittsburgh,' or if he thinks one 'D' is just that cool) believes that poetry has become a For-Cash business, and any poet/teacher seeking tenure is a traitor to what poetry should be all about---risk.

By reading Slone, one would believe that poets make a tremendous amount of money, and all at the expense of unsuspecting students almost as if we were peddling the secret to real estate wealth at airport Holiday Inn's across the nation.

Essentially, Slone thinks he is being edgy by telling off poets and trying to give us all guilt complexes for wanting to be able to make a living. Well, we may have a 'canon' of elite and known poets, but at least I didn't have to look up the proper spelling and usage for 'canon' when writing this sentence. More to the point, Slone wants us to believe he is edgy, hip, and in control.

Some say jealousy. And if you were to read his poem at The Angry Poet, you might be justified in saying so. I mean, Slone wants poetry to be more than just "sappy sentimental bullshit you hear at funerals, weddings and presidential inaugurations." The page goes on to say Slone is interested in answering why nobody reads poetry. Well, if his poetry is any indication of what he thinks poetry should be, then he's answered his own question.

However, I don't think it's jealousy. I think it is retardation. Most social activists are bright, warm, and very much a part of the world of which they are critical. Slone isn't that bright if he thinks poets make a lot of money as a general rule. He isn't very fair-minded if he believes poets should be exempt from wanting the same things other people do (financial and job security, recognition, feeling of accomplishment, etc.) in favor of being edgy. Slone is mistaken (aka a retarded douche bag) if he thinks a poet can't be one with the other at the same time.

Essentially, he forgoes the one principle he should be most aware of, given his limited insight into a world he is not a part of---that all people need to be proud of who and what they are. Slone forgets that people want to feel what they do is essential. If that means 'inflating' the need or purpose of poetry, then so be it. Just between you and me, reader, I am pretty willing to bet that Tod Slone thinks what he's doing is important---both as a social activist and as a poet (he does seem to think he writes poetry). In fact, I bet you he thinks this no matter how poorly he does either.

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Well, you all know I couldn't leave this at just a little bit of a blog post, so I wrote to Tod Slone,and sent him the following e-mail:

Dear Tod Slone:

I am not one of those clever poets you talk about. I write about my FEELINGS and I think you need to understand that REAL POETS such as myself have real FEELINGs and they can get HURT just as Easily as your's. When I write poems I RISK everything because nobody knows I am a poet. Or t least that's what they editors of all those journals I send my poems to tell me. They tell me if what I am sending them is poetry, they don't know it is. But I keep writing because I know I am a POET and not just some dude who wants to keep my job. And no matter what you say, I will always write poems about my FEELINGS because I am a POET. I have gone to at least EIGHT workshops and never pain more than $250 for any of them, so not everyone gets riped off like you say. I have learned a ton in them, and I will go to as many as I want and you can't do anything about it. What do you think of that?

Justin Evans

P.S. I live in NEVADA, and if you would ever like to get a drink or something, send me back a e-mail and we can talk face to face all about poetry, but not in a gay way or anything.

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I will be sure to let you know if Mr. Slone writes back.


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Update:

Tod Slone did in fact write back, and this is what he said:

Hi Justin,

Did I write you a rejection? (If not, how and why did you get in touch with me?) The American Dissident has a particular, concrete FOCUS. If you sent poems entirely exterior to that focus, as in poems about your feelings, then what did you expect? $250 for a workshop?!!! What a rip off! All you do is put money into the pockets of other poetlings writing about their tender feelings.” You note: “I will go to as many as I want and you can't do anything about it. What do you think of that?” Well, I actually laughed out loud…

T.



This then is my reply:

Dear George Slone:

I did NOT send you any of my poems! A freind told me about your news story were you said that POETS just want to make money. Well I am a poet and I am NOT a poet for the MONEY. Just because I go to workshops to be a better poet is no reason to make fun of me. If I wanted to make fun of YOU I could. It would be EASY!!!

Sincerly

Justin Evans


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And today isn't even my birthday.

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And the hits just keep on comin'.

Here is Mr. Slone's reply:

J,

Well, I did not write ALL poets want to make MONEY! Examine the website, don’t simply listen to a second-hand summary. Workshops will NOT make you a better poet. What they will do is make you a poet like THEM, a CONFORMIST POET… which to me is not a poet at all. Just imagine any of our great poets sitting in a workshop conducted by a CLONE POETLING! Jeffers? Bukowski? Villon? Haw! Haw! I did not make fun of you… you do a good job of doing that yourself… to yourself!

T.


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I particularly like the part where he tells me I am doing a good job of making fun of myself. I suppose I will take that as a compliment.

I have to admit I could go on, but I would be going beyond my abilities. Writing like a high school freshman may sound easy, but it really isn't. See you all later.

Here then, is my final e-mail to G. Tod Slone:

Dear Mr. Slone:

No, you did not say that all poets want to make money, but you implied that all teaching poets who are interested in gaining tenure are far too consumed with careerism than the idea of risk in their own work.

You also take issue with the interviewers assigning a label to a poet they admire. Doing so is nothing more than mere opinion, though you treat their action as a small part of a larger conspiracy to bilk money from unsuspecting students and aspiring writers. You said, "Apparently, Joe-average poets think they too might become rich and famous if they can only get to rub elbows with a rich and famous poet." While not an indictment of poets everywhere or all poets, the message is clear. You think that poetry workshops are about the pay to play mentality of fantasy sports camps. You believe that workshops are about 'cloning' and homogeny. While the quality of workshops varies, you serve nothing by condemning the whole process. The way you go on about workshops, one might think you are merely jealous of those who are willing to spend the kind of money on the experience, or those who are seen as the kind of writers who are able to teach writing.

What amazes me is how you go on and on about the need for poetry to take risk, but you stop short of saying anything for which a person could mistake for showing any real balls. You all but say Lynn Emmanuel is a careerist and one of the worst sorts of poets for ignoring (your opinion) a pertinent question, but then hedge your bets by backing off the 'black snake' label and saying, "I’m not saying that Emmanuel is one of them, but that’s certainly a possibility, at least when she was in charge of the Writing Program at the University of (sic)Pittsburg."

I do, however, give you some points for getting back on track by insulting Emmanuel for not writing about her ivory tower and fellow snakes. What I wonder, is how do you know that Emmanuel knows nothing of poverty? Are you her official biographer, or did you discern all of this through hours and hours of journalistic research on the Internet?

So poets need to write about risk. What do your poems risk? Projectile vomiting? Self immolation? With lines like the following, how do you take yourself seriously as a poet?


Hear ye, oh corrupted mentalities, you
Who have chosen a politician’s poet
As judge of verse to be ordained victorious
Oh, questionable contests and contestants!


And then there is the notion that you post your own poetry on the website you run. How egotistical and inflated is that?

To be honest, I just wanted to play around and have some fun with all of this--what you said, how you might react to a stupid little e-mail, but you really do think you are Jack's Moral Outrage, don't you?

So, go forth and fight the good fight as you see it, but either put up, or shut up. Either invest in workshop or two to see what the fuss is all about, or buy a good poetry handbook and learn about the technical side of poetry without the use of a workshop. Either that or stop telling us we are wasting our time or trying to scam the naive writer. I neither claim to be a great poet or a talented poet. Quite the opposite, in fact. The only thing I have going for me, which is more than you, is a genuine love of poetry and a willingness to be happy for the success of other poets who have figured out how to be good at what they do and have the good fortune to be admired by others at the same time.

Justin Evans
http://utahpoet.blogspot.com/